Oh, Bitch readers. My time with the Bridal Party series is nearing its end. For my penultimate post, I thought I'd share with you something I never knew existed prior to this series. Something so amazing (read: absurd) that I'm not even sure I can develop a critical thought framework around it. That is a lie. I could develop a critital thought framework about a slice of pie if I tried.
Okay, okay, enough build up.
FANTASY WEDDING VIDEO GAMES EXIST!
That's right! Do you know a child who's frustratedly picking through their closet trying to find the perfect wedding outfit? Is your 8-year-old complaining of wedding ambivalence? Well, technology has the answer for you!
Now your child can pick from any number of wedding options that would likely push them dangerously close to bankruptcy! Ensure that your elementary schooler will strive only for perfection when it comes to wedding consumerism!
Reengage your apathetic child in the wedding planning process with games like My Perfect Vintage Wedding Bride Dressup, Perfect Bride (brought to you by Hot Games For Girls), or Barbie's Wedding Dress.
I know when I think of "vintage," I certainly think of a mansion with a sprawling lawn and a Rolls-Royce motor car! Why should my child settle for anything less? WHY????? WHY SHOULD THEY??
And there's always the more specific/cross-identifying Princess Barbie Girl. That is for child-brides-to-be who are also princesses and also closely relate to Barbie's life experience, just in case there was any confusion. Let's watch as a princess Barbie girl readies herself for a perfect goddamn wedding.
Wow! Between being able to choose your own eyeballs and having any number of diamond necklaces at your disposal, it's going to be the best wedding ever. Umm, did anyone else notice the weird makeup that put Barbie girl in blackface? WTF?! I'm assuming the intent was to give Barbie girl "diverse" appeal, but that was a bit like how the It's A Small World ride depicts the world's ethnic variety by using creepy white dolls painted different colors. Disney to world: "Beneath our skin colors, we're all just white people at heart."
Maybe you have one of those children who would rather dream of a career than their own wedding. Suppose your child prefers keeping a record of income and expenses. That's okay, they can be a wedding PLANNER!
Meet Quinn, from the Wedding Dash games. Quinn sacrifices her personal life and romantic possibilities for the grand cause of planning other people's perfect goddamn weddings. It's easy to stay busy and turn a profit when you have a harried, brow-beaten, unkempt looking Cupid manipulating couples into engagement! I'd say Quinn might be operating on an unethical model ripe for monopoly. Don't we have laws against that? Also, Cupid is already overworked, Quinn. Why don't you lay off?
Oh dear. It seems Quinn's business might be a metaphor for corporate America.
I know what you're thinking. "Why do children get all the best wedding planning games?!"
Well, the good people over at ValuSoft, creators of The Haunted: Hell's Reach, would say to stop complaining, because they've brought you My Fantasy Wedding. A game not too unlike Hell's Reach, I would imagine.
Let me be clear, this game is for ADULTS. I'm not making a point of this because it contains adult content, but because it in fact is one of the most infantilizing games I have ever seen (that woman from the Internet up there agrees with her "thumbs down" review). Here is the game's description:
Create the storybook wedding of your dreams! You've always dreamed of your wedding day,now you can make all of your fantasies come true. Plan every aspect of your big day-from choosing that special someone to your dress, cake, flowers, music, and more.
Start by selecting your fantasy groom. Choose his tuxedo, his groomsmen, and of course pick your bridesmaids and their dresses. Next, select from four magical locations including a fairytale castle, summer meadow, tropical beach, or traditional wedding chapel.
Then go shopping at the Wedding Mall to choose everything for your big day. Choose your wedding rings, your dress, the perfect shoes, your hairstyle, makeup, and veil. Make every detail your own! Pick your wedding cake and choose your favorite flowers. You even get to decorate your wedding location for the perfect day.
Last, watch your wedding unfold. Start making your dreams a reality, your groom awaits you!
I'm sorry, but did someone just include the words "storybook" and "fairytale castle" in something aimed at grown-ass women? Widdle wady want a gweat big wedding?
Don't fret. There IS one more option for truly adult women: Dream Day Wedding
Dream Day Wedding is actually a series of games set in different locations (Manhattan, Las Vegas, Italy). It's a "romantic seek-and-find adventure" where you plan a variety of extremely expensive dream weddings for yourself by completing a series of inane objectives.
Not that I'm advocating violent video games or anything (that's ANOTHER can of worms), but can we at least get some zombies or aliens or something up in this? I mean, "place candles," and "light candles," and "arrange petals" aren't exactly motivating imperatives. "Help plan the perfect post-apocalyptic wedding" has a better ring to me. Wait. Then you couldn't build a game all about spending money to achieve happiness!
You might also have noticed how all of these games feature white (and thin) main characters of seemingly ample financial means, something I've come across again and again and something that I'll get into a little more in next week's final post.
'Til then, have fun planning your dream wedding! And may the odds be EVER in your favor.