Quizzes abound on Facebook, but one in particular caught my eye as I spied on my friends' status updates this morning. It asks, "How Well do you know Women??" (rest assured that the capitalization errors are theirs, not mine). Anyway, although this quiz claims to be "For Men Only!!" it has made me curious. How well DO I know women? What if it turns out that I don't know them at all, and that my work on this blog is just a sham being carried out by someone who is completely out of touch with the ladies? In the interest of full disclosure (because my knowledge of women also affects you, the readers of this blog) I am going to blog while I take the the quiz, and then tell you my results at the end. Ready? WARNING: My feminine intuitions tell me that the following quiz most likely contains gross generalizations, essentialism, and grammatical errors. Not for the faint of heart! Here we go! Question 1 According to you, when does a Woman really feel like a Woman... - When she gets married. - When she hits puberty. - When she looks into the mirror. - When she gives birth. - When she falls deeply in love. Hmmm... Well, I already feel as if I don't know women all that well, because in my mind not only does every woman have different experiences, but many women never get married, have children, give birth, or fall in love. I guess most of them look into mirrors, but men do that too. Shoot. I am going with the puberty answer, mostly out of a lack of a better option. Question 2 - According to you, a Women feels Happiest when... - Her Partner compliments her. - Her Partner supports her decision. - Her Friends / Partner throw her a party. - When her Partner says he loves her. - When she has the time of her life between the bedsheets. Whoa, who knew that a woman needed a partner to feel her happiest? I am learning so much from taking this quiz! However, I myself love a good party, so I am going with the friends/partner throw her a party option (although the "bedsheets" one is also tempting...) Question 3 In a desparate situation where only one of these can be carried in her handbag, she will choose the following... - Cash. - Comb. - Lipstick / Makeup. - Small Mirror. - Perfume / Deodarant. What kind of a "desparate" situation are we dealing with here? What scenario could be so terrifying that a woman would only be allowed one precious cosmetic item in her handbag?!? I shudder to think about it. At any rate, I'm going with the cash. You could buy the other items with it and fill your whole handbag! Sigh of relief. Question 4 According to you, what is the first thing women look for in a man? - Stability. - Sense of humor. - How Caring they are. - Skill in Bed. - Looks. Again I am confused, because I didn't realize that a women always looked for men. Learning! Now, I have heard that women are pretty emotional and sensitive, so I am going to chose that women look for "How Caring they are" when it comes to dudes. After all, if he's caring, he can help you get that stuff back in your handbag! Question 5 How Early or how late in a relationship does a woman start trusting a guy? - Right from the Begining. - When he proposes. - When he becomes a Best Friend. - When he says I love you for the first time. - When he meets her parents. I'm kind of confused by this one, but I am going to go with my gut. I usually trust anyone who says "I love you," even those talking Elmo dolls that say it. I'm going with the romance, people! Question 6 Most women are happiest in this age group... - 10 to 20 - Post Menopause - 40 to 50 - 30 to 40 - 20 to 30 Yikes, another tough one. However, I saw a Jack in the Box commercial last week that showed a post-menopausal woman who was having a great time curing her hot flashes with smoothies. I like smoothies, so that seems like a pretty good option to me. Post-menopause, here I come! Question 7 The One Trait, women most envy in a man is.... - Their Status in Society. - Their privates. - Their Strength. - Their Deep Intoxicating voices. - The way they're Built. Whoa! I am pretty envious of all of those traits, to be honest. I want a man's privates AND his societal status! However, I have spent some time lately reading stuff for the latest Bitch podcast, so I think a "Deep Intoxicating voice" would come in handy in that situation. Yeah, that's the trait I want. Question 8 For a Typical Romantic night out with her guy, a girl would most like... - Candle light dinner at an expensive restaurant. - Dinner outside and a walk along the river. - A live Concert. - A home Cooked dinner by her man and a home movie. - Monday night Football. Well, I usually think home movies are pretty boring (who wants to see some toddler blowing out a bunch of candles?) and it rains a lot in Portland so I can't necessarily say that I want to eat outside. Oh, and I know that women can't like football, and they rarely like live music because it's loud and women have delicate sensibilities. I am going to choose the expensive restaurant one. I hope they serve cosmos! (Women like those, don't they?) Question 9 In Bed, the most important thing a woman wants is.... - Long Foreplay. - Good Technique. - Closeness from her partner. - A BIg, Hard Ding Dong! - Lots of Kissing and Caressing. Well, I have to admit that social norms and media portrayals tell me that a woman probably wants long foreplay or lots of kissing. However, I really want to reward whoever wrote this quiz for the exclamation point on "A BIg, Hard Ding Dong!" so I am choosing that. Question 10 According to you, Women are most worried about.... - The way they present themselves. - The way they Look. - Their Weight. - If they can pass off as an intellegent individual. - If they can satisfy their partners. This is a tough one. I know women are obsessed with their weight and appearance, but I also know that women are kind of tricky and I think they might want to try to "pass off as" intelligent people. Still, it seems like the bottom line here is that women like being in relationships with men (who have "A BIg, Hard Ding Dong!" ) so I am going with the satisfaction. Question 11 According to you, the one thing most women can't do without is... - Gossip. - Make up Kit. - Diamonds and other Jewelry. - Good Clothes and Shoes. - Constant Attention. Remember that handbag question that almost had me stumped? Well, not anymore. I know that women need make up! (Although I think they also like jewelry and constant attention.) Question 12 If a group of Married women got together, what would they most talk about.... - The latest gossip about someone they know. - Their Husbands and how bad they are. - Their Intimate Love lives. - Work Pressures. - The latest in fashion. Well, the women in question are "Married," so that means they don't talk about sex (because I know married people never do it). They probably don't have jobs, either, because they already did their job and got married. I think they probably talk about their husbands mostly, and how bad they are. Bad husbands! Question 13 If a Woman really likes you, she will.... - Try and Look her pretiest and hope you notice her... - Ask a common friend for an introduction, and take it from there... - Send you suttle glances and smiles to let you know she likes you... - Try to accidently bump into you to start a conversation.... - Approach you directly and let you know. I am constantly surprised at how similar all women are! I think if a woman likes someone she will "Try and Look her pretiest" and hope for the best. Good thing she's got that make up kit! (It will help with the "suttle glances.") Question 14 Women Prefer to get married to men who are... - Strong, Stable, and are good Providers. - Responsible, Stable and Caring. - Tall, Dark and Handsome. - Loving, Caring and Homely. - Strong, Healthy and Athletic. Aren't these questions getting a little repetitive? Oh well, I think women want good providers, so that they don't have to work and they can spend all of their time gossiping with their married gal pals about their bad husbands. Question 15 On a first date, you must never.... - Talk about your Ex-Girlfriend. - Talk about your medical history. - Tell her how much you Love her. - Oogle at other women. - Take her to a place she hates. To be fair, a lot of those would be bad first-date behaviors. However, if a man had an interesting medical history (conjoined twin, third arm, etc.) I might want to hear about it. Also, we've established that women like love talk, so that one's out as well. I think I am going to play it safe and choose the final option, since no one likes going somewhere they hate -- not even women. Ooh! That was the last question! Now I am going to click on the "Continue to Results" button. How do you think I did? Do I know women?!? The suspense is killing me! This is worse than only having one thing in my handbag!!! Waiting for the page to load... Loading... OH NO! I got a "POOR: 25%" rating! Here is what they said: Well Lets face it... you don't know women well at all! Either you're Ignorant or you just don't care a Damn!! why should you know a woman? it's the woman who should know you right!!?? Hell Yeah!! OK, I feel better. Why SHOULD I care? WOMEN should get to know ME! Are you listening, WOMEN?!? The only drawback here is, they won't let me go back and see what the right answers would have been. Does anyone else want to try and learn from my mistakes? Take the quiz and tell us your score!