Well, the verdict is finally in, and it looks as though it IS in fact possible to be a bizarro douche in 140 characters or less. Today's trending Twitter topics include #dontcuffhim and #dontwifeher, and both offer a shit-covered window into the minds of Twitter's best and brightest gender stereotypists. (You know, like a typist who only writes about gender stereotypes. Zing!)
If you aren't clued in to Twitter trends are about, (what, do you have like, better things to do?) they are basically prompts or topics that wind their way through the Twitterverse as more and more users respond (using the # symbol to indicate their participation).
Today's trends are all about marriage, and why certain men and women aren't worth the trouble. Just to get a little perspective on things, keep in mind that these trends are being tweeted at a rate of hundreds per minute. I left the office to get a grilled cheese sandwich, and when I came back there were 36,080 new posts on #dontwifeher alone! Clearly this is sweeping the Twitter nation, and therefore deserves a bit of examining.
Let's start with #dontwifeher. The majority of these tweets are about sex. More specifically, they are about vaginas (BECAUSE WOMEN HAVE THOSE!!!). A few examples:
revizion RT @Mizkeen: #dontwifeher if her box smell like she wipes from back to front.
cpsworld #dontwifeher if KY is needed, that's some unnatural shit
GA_JOE #dontwifeher if her pussy smell like boiled bologna
No idea what boiled bologna smells like, but there is a moral to this tweet story: DON'T MARRY A WOMAN WHOSE LADYPARTS AREN'T UP TO YOUR UNREALISTIC STANDARDS. Seriously, get a less bologna-like vag already. Words to live by.
Another trend-within-a-trend is the miscellaneous life advice embedded in many #dontwifeher posts. Behold:
JamilleHarley #dontwifeher if she's 30 and still doesn't know how to caress your Head (top head) and make you feel like a Lion while watching Football
TyMulahBaaaby #dontwifeher if she names her baby after your frat! Kappalina come here girl! She looooves the bruhs lol
Haibibity01 @ludajuice #dontwifeher if she can't deepthroat and cook a good steak
Good advice! Listen up, all you single ladies: Make your boyfriend feel like a lion while he's watching football, give good head massages, don't name your baby after his fraternity house (btw I had no idea that was a thing), and learn to deepthroat and cook a good steak at the same time. If you do all that, you might get a ring on it.
Now, some of these tweets go from the land of clueless a-holes and enter the land of violence and dangerous misogyny (not that the vagina comments weren't misogynistic). For example:
PeterPerfect09 RT @SincereBeautyy: #dontwifeher if she's been GANGbanged THE END! LMFAO.
SKUZZOE #dontwifeher if she's been raped.she will never get over it...
JTSmoothe82 #dontwifeher if she always compares you to all of her ex included her ex boyfriend who used to beat her
Um, #victimblame much? And the worst part is, these tweets are getting re-tweeted and lmfao-ed all over the place! I don't need 140 characters to express how unfunny that is, because there just aren't words.
Of course, some #dontwifeher posts are dangerously offensive, or just weird, but others are positive and even (a little bit) funny. For example, there are several about not "wife-ing" someone if she won't get an HIV test, or if she doesn't listen to your ideas. There was also this one, which made me laugh a little:
king_trey #dontwifeher if her attitude hella stank like yo farts
Now moving over to the ladies' camp (because this is all for straight people, of course) with #dontcuffhim. To start, I had no idea what "cuffing" someone meant. I thought it had to do with either arresting someone or engaging in some kind of kinky behavior. Turns out, cuffing a man means marrying him. You know, because marriage is like a prison cell for men!!! It's the worst!!! Men hate to get married so women have to force them!!! (You get the picture.)
Lots of #dontcuffhim tweets are about sex in its various forms:
kemmy707 #dontcuffhim if he has a little Penis...sorry It's just not gonna work!lol
damami26 #dontcuffhim if his breasts bigger than urs lol man boobs eww no bueno
SOURONE #dontcuffhim if he dont eat the muffin
Teehee. I laughed at the "eat the muffin" rhyme. Still, the message to all you fellas out there is GET A BIG PENIS AND LOSE THE BOOBS ALREADY. Seriously. Don't you want to get cuffed? You don't? Oh, nevermind.
Still other #dontcuffhim tweets attack the manliest of manly qualities in any man: manliness. Specifically, don't cuff him if you think he might be GAYYYY:
LeloB #dontcuffhim if he puts his hand between his legs and 'lifts' before he sits down! Misleading!
YorkwayDaKid #dontcuffhim if what attracted him to u was he liked ya nails.........ummmm GAY!!
Raiibreezy #dontcuffhim if he has a rainbow polo on
I am so glad that someone has finally spoken out about this horrible trend of men who sit down to pee and like women's nails and polo shirts TRYING TO GET CUFFED. Don't let them fool you, ladeeez! Those polo-loving dudes are only after one thing (it's your cuff).
There don't seem to be as many borderline abusive/dangerous tweets in the #dontcuffhim trend as in the #dontwifeher, though I haven't had a chance to read even a fraction of what's out there. There are, however, plenty that have to do with money and fashion and other materialistic notions that are best left out of the Twitterverse. Thanks for the stereotypes, gals!
I am as fascinated by these trends as I am repulsed. What possesses people to participate in them? Why are these marriage-related topics so popular? They are beating out Patrick Swayze (R.I.P.) and Kanye West in popularity, as well as any current event. They are the most popular things going on Twitter! And both trends do little more than reinforce antiquated (and sometimes dangerous) notions of what marriage is and who should partake in it.
Will we ever move past a time when jokes about women smelling like bologna "down there" and men not making enough money are HILARIOUS to the average internet user? Why do we simultaneously love to stereotype marriage as a bullshit prison and hold it up on a pedestal? And if it's such a problem, why do straight people keep doing it? And why aren't gay people allowed to do it?
I'll let this final tweet sum it up:
djmissbehavior RT @lilkeith Hold up i know u talking about #dontwifeher & #dontcuffhim But Beyonce had the best video of all time! (Kanye West Voice)